You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Stewped’ category.

And it’s Picnic Time at Eureka’s Castle! As swimsuit season approaches, I have been very busy. Stuffing my face. In short, with everything. :] While the rest of the country has been spending hours at the gym lifting weights and getting ready for Spring and whatnot, I have been spending time lifting brownies into my mouth.  And Chick-fil-A sandwiches. And meatballs (Hey, remember how they used to call Serena “Meatball Head?!”)

Anyway, so I started thinking about all of the food items which I have consumed (on my own and in their entirety) within a 12-hour period…  This includes: A box of Cheez-Its, A box of fruit snacks, A pack of Twizzlers Pull & Peel, A box of Wheat Thins, 12.4 lbs. of fufu, Various bags of assorted chips, Various boxes/packs of cookies, Half of a large pizza, Various boxes of assorted cereals, A loaf of bread, 5 packets of Burger peanuts, 1/2 lb. of bacon, A bag of Pirate’s booty, A box of Teddy Grahams, A box of Scooby Snacks, A bag of Gummy Bears, A bag of Gummy Worms, Assorted bags of Gummy Creatures… I am sure that I am missing a few hundred more… But you get the point. 🙂

One would probably assume that I weigh around 9,000 lbs.  One would then be quite astonished when one met me.  One could then attribute my svelteness to witchcraft.  I’m not really quite sure how to explain it myself.  Perhaps it is due to the copious amounts of green tea which I drink.  Or to some of my… hmm… extra-curricular activities… like… umm… karate… yah… 😉

Moving on.  Some of you may recall that I was on a quest last summer to bring back the Banana Clip.  Only, I could not find a store which carried Banana Clips, so it did not really work out.  I was still crawling around in a diaper, eating spiders in Ghana when the Banana Clip was in fashion, so I missed my chance.  You will be happy to know that I finally secured not 1, but THREE Banna Clips this weekend.  I suggests that you all go out and find some for yourselves before my quest to make them the IT item of the summer ensues.  You’re Welcome. Don’t be surprised if you see Blair Waldorf wearing one later this year.  All because of me.  🙂

Thank goodness for the WordPress IPT app.

Advertisements

My favorite geneticist, Dr. James Watson, is back to his shenanigans.  I think that he should try out for the next season of The Real World.  You know, Dr. Watson, at first I thought that some of your tirades were actually entertaining… like when you suggested that there was some mysterious link between sexual urges and sunlight exposure, and then proceeded to claim that this was the cause for the existence of “Latin Lovers.”  I am pretty sure that these boys would disagree with you, but your claim still made me chuckle.  Yah, I said “chuckle.”  And then there was your proclamation about thin people being more ambitious than overweight people.  And then you had the nerve to make comments about the physical appearance of Dr. Rosalind Franklin… whom a) FYI, Looked better than you any day of the week and b) you more or less stole data from and claimed the Nobel Prize for the work which she predominantly did… hmm…  classy.

And when I thought that it was not possible to get anymore distasteful, you tell the world that black people are intellectually inferior to white people.  Blown.  Away.  I wish your better half, Dr. Crick (I think Dr. Wilkins was shady too >:[), were still alive to keep you in check.  Or at least to tell you when to keep silent.  And after all of this, you come back with your attention-seeking comments again???  This time slamming high school teachers???  We all know that the educational systems has its problems, but what was the last high school science class that you ever taught??

This dude got a Nobel Prize!!  A NOBEL PRIZE!  Is George Bush going to get one next? :/  This makes me so upset that I cannot even discuss it further.  On a happier note, congratulations to the winners of this year’s Intel STS (which SciAm is referring to as “The Baby Nobels,” which I think is cute!)!  A lot of those projects were really cool and advanced.  And thank you to all of the high school teachers out there doing great things and inspiring others to be great; like Nick Ehling and Nodar Jagodnishili, who led the Fels school to win the Pennsylvania chess title!  Susan Polgar even mentions it in her blog.  I am by no means anywhere close to being a serious chess player, but I have been amazed by the Polgar sisters since I was little and I think it is awesome that one of them would recognize the accomplishments of a small inner-city school in Philadelphia.

So, I pimped out my desktop.  And I am loving it so much that I just thought that I would share.  Notice the lack of stewpy taskbar.  And no, I did not just paste on some arbitrary static values; the date and weather fields are dynamic.  Hot. >:D Go be jelly, cuz your desktops are nowhere near as zen(ic?) as mine.  Losers. >:]

 

My Desktop Brings All the Zen to the Yard

My Desktop Brings All the Zen to the Yard

I have been waiting for months for this show! Although, I think that I prefer the British version (Ladette to Lady).  I was so sad when L2L ended.  I only got to see season 3.  If anyone can find the first 2 seasons for me, I promise to reward you handsomely!!

Anyhow, the show is produced by Donald Trump (hence Tara Conner as the host) and it was fairly entertaining.  These girls are crazy!!  I think that they should lock Chris Brown up in a room with them.  Yah.  Let’s see him beat on some girls then.  They would kill that fool in about 2.34 seconds.  Especially Margie.  That girl is scary… and it was funny when Headmistress Harbord and Mrs. Schrager told her that everyone thought so. 

Some of you may be thinking that I am kind of sad for watching this show in the first place (and perhaps you are right).  And I am totally blaming the gaming industry for this one!  After beating Build-a-Lot in… hmm… a day…  I had the following thoughts: Why the freak am I playing Build-a-Lot and what happened to all of the good games?!?!?!  I mean, no offense to Hipsoft.  They are good at what they do; they produce some decent strategy games.  

But where is everyone else??  What happened to those games which blew you away??  If one does not come out soon, I may have to go dig out Wolfenstein 3D or Myst and my freakin Tandy computer. >:|  I cannot think of any game which has really captivated me lately… Okay, Fable II, Assassin’s Creed, and Little Big Planet are really nice.  And Professor Layton looks good, but I have not tried it yet.  But what I wouldn’t do for another Perfect Dark, Baldur’s Gate II, or even Syberia… 😦  Any recommendations?  Maybe I will get this 9-year old kid to write me some gaming gold.

This post will be photo-laden to compensate for the fact that it is text-poor.  But it is still a post!  Which means that I am another week closer to winning $10.00 from someone who is already poor. >:]  For those of you wondering why I have not blogged about my favorite part of the year yet, don’t worry! 🙂  I will.  I am just too sleepy to put in the effort which such a post would deserve.  And now, pictures:

 

 

Baby
Baby

 

Baby Likes Black AND White People!
Baby Likes Black AND White People!
Baby Likes Faces
Baby Likes Faces

 

Baby Likes Boobs!

Baby Likes Boobs!

Baby Likes Fat People!

Baby Likes Fat People!

 

 

 

You know how every family is supposed to have that one crazy uncle?  Our family is so large and strange that I always found it difficult to pinpoint this individual.  However, we were reintroduced to Uncle “Big Ben” today for the first time in a little over a decade, and I immediately knew that he was THE ONE.  It would take me much to long to recount our entire encounter, so here is a snippit for you:

Uncle Ben: You are the Major’s son?
Juju: Yes. Who are you?
Uncle Ben: Uncle Ben! Like Big Ben! Uncle Big Ben!
Juju: Uncle… Big Ben…? 
Uncle Big Ben: Yes, You should join the service in Ghana!
Juju: I already did.
Uncle Big Ben: You did?! It is good.  This is why you should not drink.
Juju: Oh… I don’t drink…
Uncle Big Ben: Do you drink?!
Juju: No…?
Uncle Big Ben: Good!  I drink!  It is not good! That is why you should not drink.
All of us:    😐 

It is very difficult to convey the ridiculousness of the situation.  I wish we had videotaped the day, because we would have received a few million hits on YouTube.  Basically, this strange man… who showed up to the funeral in a grey hoodie… would randomly pop in and ask us random questions and dole out various nuggets of wisdom.  And he would yell practically every word in a garbled mess of English and Twi. 😐  It was really disconcerting the first few times.  And then it just became funny.  At least until Juju’s other friend drank his orange soda and then spilled someone else’s drink on the carpet.

Someone please tell me why we were at dinner on Friday night (one of our centennial family restaurant trips) and my brothers (this includes you, Emmanuel) and Father proceeded to get into a 30 minute debate about “crab fries.”  Crab fries?!  CRAB FRIES??!!  I did not even know that such a thing as Crab Fries existed until my Dad ordered them; and upon the arrival of said appetizer, he began to lament about how they were not made out of crabs.  My brother refuted this point with some semi-illogical bit of logic, and thus ensued the longest conversation about crab fries which I have ever heard.

I think the most amusing thing I heard of late, however, was during one of my final MARC train commutes.  Those of you who have not heard yet, my former MARC train crew has endearingly come to be known as “The Thug Train,” by the conductors and staff at Union Station.  Perhaps, if their trains were consistently on-time and non-trifling, then we would not have earned this moniker.  Anywho, one of the amusing parts of the commuter experience is observing/pointing/laughing at the newbies.  Well, on this fine Friday, one of the conductors decided to give the bewildered newbies (and in all honesty, there is such chaos when boarding the rush hour trains that sometimes I am still bewildered even though I am no longer a novice) a verbal heads-up.  As all of the regulars stampeded (mob-style) up the boarding platform, his words of guidance were as follows:

Random Conductor on Platform: Hello Everyone! This is the Thug Train to BWI!  For those of you who are new to our fine system of public transport, BE CAREFUL! This is the THUG TRAIN!  They will elbow you in the head and push you over the rail in order to get a seat on this train!  I know!  Because they have done it to me before… And I was not even trying to get on the train…  Okay!  Thank You!

I was dying! 😀  It made my day.  He was not even trying to be funny.

CRAB FRIES!

CRAB FRIES!

I did not think that he could win.  Not as first.  I thought that there existed just one too many closet racists for it to happen.  I thought that the Old [White] Boys’ Club/Network was simply too powerful.  After the re-election of George Bush, I thought that Americans did not really want the change which they loudly demanded from every available hilltop.

After throwing our economy into the depths of Mordor, with our greed, our consumer lust for homes and products which we could not afford (but bought anyway… on credit), our reluctance to talk about our individual financial situations (until they all so unsurprisingly converged into a nationwide crisis), and our all too eager attempts to point the finger and assign blame, while taking no responsibility for our own actions… Frankly, after all of that, I was not sure that our country deserved much.  Reap what you sow.

And then we elected Barack Obama.  And, of course, I was thrilled.  People cried thousands of joyful tears.  Worldwide, nations rejoiced.  Sarah Palin returned to whence she came.  It truly seemed as if truth and hope had won.  Justice dispensed.  “We’ve come so far!” they said.  We’ve come “so far.”

Last Friday, my Dad had to go to the ER for the second time this autumn.  He is not one to cry, or even admit to physical pain.  But something so strong came over him as he waited for the train to go to work, that he got back in his car and drove to the ER.  By the time he got there he was in such pain and so disoriented that he could not even get out of the car.  A Caucasian woman was walking through the parking lot and he called out to her.  My Father.  The man who would do anything for anyone.  Has done so much for so many.  Wearing a suit and doubled over in his seat, called to the woman.  “Excuse me?  Please!  If you could help me out of the car, or get some help from inside, Miss?”  And the woman glanced at my father, a glance so brief that the only feature she could possibly register was his brown skin.  And said, “I’m running late for a meeting.”  And quickly walked away.

I can only imagine the look on my Dad’s face.  Talk about adding insult to injury.  As he relayed the story to me later that evening, I was so nauseated.  So infuriated.  I could not speak.  When I had finally digested what had happened, my first thought was that this woman never ever ever ever crosses my path while I am with my Father.  If he identified her… God help me.  God help her.  Because I do not know what I would do.  But I am pretty sure I would end up in jail.  And it would totally be worth it.

So when these people, who are usually not part of a racial minority (aka- PIs), tell me about how far we have come.  I give a polite half-nod and half-smile.  It is very difficult to explain racism, even the more blatant types, to people who have been fortunate enough to not ever have it in their face.  Who have never witnessed racism when it was a matter of life and death.  Who have never experienced the patronizing grins.  The disregarding looks.  The all too regarding looks.

I am unstewped enough to realize that President Obama will not be a panacea to our nation’s ills.  Political, economical, racial, or otherwise.  And I realize that we have come far.  But how far is “so far?”  Evidently, not quite as far as we would like to keep on believing.  Ignorance is bliss.  I don’t think that I will keep believing the hype.  The pleasantries.  The lies.  But I’ll keep hoping.

NaNoWriMo Word Count: (5,000/50,000)

In honor of the impending witching season (and also of NaNoWriMo 08!), I bring to you a short story.  Although, my use of poetic license and of monikers may be liberal, the majority of the following narrative is still mostly somewhat true.  Or at least partially based on a true story.  Or truly based on a partial story.  Or something… The point is that it did actually kind of happen.  And in 3D.  Enjoy! 😀

One mild yet sunny day, not quite yet in the ides of autumn, a group of scientists were toiling away in their shady basement laboratory.  The lab was so vast, and buried so deep within the university, that soft and numerous drafts were experienced daily by its inhabitants.  It could have passed for a dungeon.  Perhaps it was one.

For weeks, these chemists, biologists, and clinicians had been slaving away.  Food. Water. Pooping. Sleep.  All of these things had become unnecessary.  Luxurious nothings from a former life.  Adaptation? Evolution?  Epigenetics?  Whatever the cause, there was no time to try to pull logic from rapidly fading memories.  From dreams.

8:00 PM.  The Deadline.  And quite literally so.  For in every pseudo-dungeon, there lies a pseudo-dragon.  Perhaps there are places on this earth, tangled within the superstring, where an exception exists and defies this rule.  However, the Cartesian coordinates for such a locale were clearly not the same as those for this one.

As the researchers scurried, much like their mice did in their cages down in the room below, to collect and collate their data, the Dragon skulked out of its opulent chambers and into the harsh sterile glare of the main room.  It sniffed visibly (as if someone had just put an open bottle of beta mercapatoethanol under its nose), thinking of how little the lighting up here did for its Prada clothing.  It’s gold jewelry.  It’s sizable cloud of self-importance.  It thought to itself (and then proceeded to share the thought aloud) that the lighting did almost as little as the peons running about it’s domain.

Accustomed to such helpful commentary, the peons continued with their work, not daring to meet the Dragon’s soulless gaze.  Rather, they kept their eyes on the clock. 4:13. 4:28.  The soft hum of machinery just barely masking the whispered prayers.  Fervent pleas to the gods of science and technology.  Pleas for good results.  Success.  Tenureship.  Escape.  One researcher looked up, perhaps to his deity.  Were those cobwebs he saw? Or just the workmanship of the spiders.  Haphazard algorithms?  Or very deliberate designs?  Like their data.  Like every action which they were performing now.  Working as one seasoned perpetual motion machine.  Dragon observed, offering little physical aid and even less moral support.

5:00 PM.  The final paper.  Compiled.  Reviewed.  Edited.  Corrected.  Consecrated and sent.  A communal sigh.

6:30 PM.  Response Received. “Manuscript Rejected…” Dragon reads aloud calmly, yet shaking with unimaginable fury.  Despite the tendrils of fire escaping its nostrils, the room temperature seems to have become sub-zero.  Everyone tries to play dead.  To make no sudden movements.  To make no movements at all.  But in a room frozen with fear, their warm breath is as visible as liquid nitrogen…

To Be Continued…

If we are still alive later this week… 😀

I’m back!  My apologies for the sporadic posting!  It should be better now that we finally got our router (that story could be an entirely separate post of its own).  I know you guys all missed me from your sweet “Where the hell are you?” and “Hey. Why don’t you update your blog, so I can laugh at you?” messages.  I missed you guys too!  Some of you!  Sometimes.  Before I get into what I have been up to, I have to share this awesomeness with you:

It's Rosie!  The Riveter!

It's Rosie! The Riveter!

Hohohoho!  I never thought that I would see Animal power-washing our fence.  Or anything other than her hair, for that matter.  But look at Rosie go… I am going to print and frame this.  Do not be surprised if you receive a Christmas card from me this year with this photo on the front.  This shot is so classic that I should commission Thomas Kinkade to paint it.  I hope he accepts food stamps as payment.

Moving on… I do not even know where to start.  Perhaps with the shady guy who tried to follow us home from the shore on Labor Day weekend.  Or the story which commenced upon our return that Monday, when we discovered that we were locked out of our house.  Or maybe with the morning we arrived at the station, only to find that none of the trains were running to DC because someone got hit by an Acela… and the awesome traffic that resulted from this, as everyone tried to find an alternate way to get to work that morning.  The word on the street is that it was a suicide, although the media portrays it as otherwise.  People were very angry that someone would so selfishly take himself out in a way which affected thousands of commuters.  Hahahaha:D  Oh, I mean… um… that is not funny.  I would like to note that Jacqueline STILL got to work before me that morning… So whack. >:|

Perhaps I should tell the not-so-humourous story of the 90-minute late train at Union Station last week… the frightfully angry mob which I was stuck in the middle of… and the appearance of the K-9 patrol to settle things down… Or about how excited we were to finally get a new showerhead, only to discover that the old one could not be removed with the Jaws of Life.  I would also tell you about how “We are not Captain Planet,” but you would not understand what I was talking about.  I would also tell you about our UPS adventure, but that would take me about 5 hours.  As would the tales of some horribly awkward lab meetings.  I did my first cervical dislocation and dissection the other day.  It was totally kind of traumatic, and the doctor I was working with laughed at me, because I was so like this —>  :O!!!!

To say that the last 4 weeks have been long would be an incredibly gross oversimplification.  At least I will have some awesome material for NaNoWriMo this year. 😀  If anyone has any advice on removing an old crusty showerhead without breaking the arm from the wall or on Fidelity vs. Vanguard Group or if you would like to buy me a condo in DC or offer me a book deal, please email me! :]  Thanks! Lobu!

Well, everyone keeps referring to him as a “stripper.”  However, I prefer the term “performer” or “entertainer.” Haters. :p  Anywho, the girls and I celebrated the first upcoming wedding of the season with THE bachelorette party of the century!  We started off with a fabulous dinner at Buddakan in Philly.  The food was incredible and the company was awesome (even with you there, CKL!  Actually, I should say ESPECIALLY with you there!)  Hahaha!  And, of course, we were dressed to kill.  We even had some cute guy drive by and honk at us as we were entering the restaurant.  Hot Girl Check-In!  What What?!  Or perhaps we just looked like hookers? Whatevs. >:]

After dinner, we headed over to The Cave…  Oh, The Cave…  It was our first time there, and I am pretty certain that it will not be our last… Hahaha!  We did take numerous overly-amusing and scandalous photos, but the Ya-Yas have pretty much made it clear to me that if I post any of them, I will be excommunicated from the Sisterhood and possibly assassinated.  So… I guess you will just have to use your imagination… or come visit me and I will show you the pictures non-virtually.  There is not too much that I can say about the experience, while maintaining the classiness of my blog… I will just say that it was SO worth the $20 cover charge, and I had way more fun than I had expected to have.  The girls may even claim that I had TOO much fun… >:]  But, honestly, it was not my fault that “Secret Agent 0069” took such a liking to me, you know?  Not that I disliked the attention… After the show, he came over, sat next to me, put his arm around me… And the following ensued:

Secret Agent 0069: You are so beautiful… And not just because of your breasts.

Me:… Thanks?

Secret Agent 0069: Do you have a boyfriend?

Me: No.

Secret Agent 0069: What??  You are lying! A girl like you?  You must!

Me: Nope, no boyfriend.  Do you have one??

Secret Agent 0069: (laughs) No!  I do have a wife though!

Me: ……………………..

Secret Agent 0069: But I still need a girlfriend.

Me: ………………………

Secret Agent 0069: (laughs, kisses my cheek, and leaves)

Me: ………………………

Hahahaha!!  I know!  But that boy was so freakin hot, I couldn’t hate on him.  Anywho, it was a good time. 😀  Of several bachelorette parties and a birthday party group, we were the youngest.  See?  Fun for all ages!  Go check it our for yourselves!  Bring your mothers! Grandmothers!  Wives!

How was everyone’s 4th of July??  Mine was nice!  We went into Philly, and saw John Legend in concert (for FREE, obviously) as part of the Welcome America Festival.  Estelle was there also and performed “American Boy,” which is one of my current hot jams. :] I also got to see SOME of my favorite cousins and non-cousins that weekend. >:]  And lastly, I was kidnapped by Brendan. :/  The end.