Some of you know about the great lengths which I have gone through in order to be misanthropic. Unfortunately for me, it seems that I am only slightly better at being a misanthrope than I am at lying. Despite this fact and all of the laughter at my attempts at the hermetic life (thanks for your encouragement), I still held on to my hope that practice would make perfect. And then I took this stewped test, and my illusion was shattered. Apparently, people are really awful at distinguishing a fake smile from a genuine one. I got 18 out of 20 of the smiles correct, whereas most of the test-takers get about half or less. How am I supposed to hate humankind, if I cannot even be relied upon to not be able to read/understand them????

Oh well. I can still laugh at all the young men out there who are contracting HPV-related oral diseases at an alarmingly increasing rate. Go ahead and tell me about how awful that statement was. I would have more empathy if it were not so ridiculously preventable. I mean… Honestly… Do boys not read? Never had a sex-ed class? Not know that 1 in 4 American girls has an STD (and 80% of women acquire HPV)? Do they think that just because a girl looks like either some model from an Abercrombie ad or like a girl that no man would ever touch, that she must be clean? Please. I am not saying that all you boys who venture down south deserve oral cancer. But if you believe that you can determine your chances of contracting something from a girl just by looking at her (or if the thought never even crosses your mind)… then you definitely have something coming. You have no idea how many perfectly nice-looking, intelligent (using this word only in the academic sense here) female residents I have had who came to me with a “problem.” I hardly believed it myself.

Anywho, my point is that the next time you’re thinking about pleasuring your new lady… Take a moment. Eat a Snickers bar. Watch Hot Fuzz. Masturbate in a frenzy. Anything that will give you some time to think about which of the following is worse: (1) waiting awhile for your girl to get tested and/or get on top of those Gardasil vaccines… or (2) chemotherapy in your mouth. Yum! You decide. I hope some producer reads this and then begs me to do a Public Service Announcement on a major network channel.

I hope that I did not make too many people sad and/or ruin their weekend plans! Umm… :::thinks of something happy to add::: Errmm… Marsupial?!

Be One Less